Q: How do I cope with the death of a loved one?

Death...it’s still rather a taboo subject, not really talked about. Yet it is an experience most of us have to cope with at some time in our lives, especially as we grow older. Most of us will have had to cope with the death of someone very close and dear. Maybe a beloved partner, parent, child or close friend. At the time our feelings and emotions can be very raw and tender, and we wonder how we are going to cope.

The fact that death is inevitable, however little we may talk about it, is all part of life’s cycle and it cannot be avoided. Yet, when it comes to someone with whom we have shared our lives, it is known to be one of the severest forms of stress. So then, how do we cope?

From a practical point of view we need to recognise the necessity of mourning. Occasionally this can be overlooked but it is essential to our overall well-being and recovery (yes...we can eventually recover). Time to mourn and grieve is important and we need to allow this for ourselves, and allow for it in others.
the newly bereaved are sometimes shunned

There are different stages of grief which are usually experienced and these include shock, expressions of grief, apathy and recovery. Each of these stages will vary with the individual, and we may cope with one better than the others. Indeed, a particular stage may not be experienced at all. How we progress through these stages may, in some measure, depend upon our own personality, our strength, our religious convictions and the existence of caring and supportive family and friends.

One of the common expressions of grief is a feeling of guilt, where, in hindsight, we wish we had done things differently. "If only I had said sorry", or " if only I had told him how much I loved him", or "if only we hadn’t had that row". There can be very strong feelings relating to guilt and these may need to be talked through many times with a trusted friend, counsellor or religious pastor before we can know peace of mind.

Anger is another way in which our grief can be expressed. Sometimes it is anger at the nature of the death itself or at what we feel is the injustice of it all. Some of us bottle up this anger which often delays the coming to terms with a new circumstances and eventual recovery. Again, it can be so helpful being able to talk through your feelings with someone in whom you can trust and confide.

A recently bereaved person can find themselves being apathetic towards ’getting on with life’. This can sometimes be linked with a distinct lack of self-confidence, especially if responsibility for practical tasks in the home (such as using the washing machine or changing electrical plugs) has not been shared. Furthermore, lack of confidence can often be fuelled by, and here I repeat my initial point, our social taboo of death. Because many people are embarrassed to talk about death the knock-on effect is that the newly bereaved are sometimes shunned. Have you ever crossed to the other side of the road in order to avoid someone you know to have recently been bereaved because you didn’t know what to say?

You may be reading this and thinking ’It’s alright for him, he’s a Christian and has probably got a freephone line to God’. That’s true but it doesn’t exempt me from the normal human emotions. Eleven years ago our daughter-in-law died, leaving our son with two little girls, and I grieved for a long while. Yet I was greatly sustained and helped by my faith in a loving heavenly Father. Often I used to read the bible verses from Romans 8 (verses 38 & 39), stating that nothing, not even death, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. More recently, as my best friend was dying, we used to talk and pray together and sometimes we would turn to the words of Jesus to be found in John’s gospel, chapter 14: "Do not let your hearts be troubled; trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; I am going there to prepare a place for you… do not let your hearts be troubled, do not be afraid". I wept when he died but thanked God then and thank Him still, for his memory, and that I believe he is with his God.

Along with countess others I can testify to the fact that my faith in Jesus and a loving God is a great source not only of comfort, but of hope for the future, when death occurs. How about you? How have you coped, how do you think you will cope and, the big one, are you afraid of dying?

If you’re dealing with any of these issues and want someone to talk to, call me on 835844 or contact us here at Tavistock Community Church. We’re glad to help in any way we can.

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